am i about to lose you?

Almost done with uni applications. procrastinated for a loooong time. and with office work, also procrastinated too much. have been to nice to myself and therefore slacked too much. ): well, i got the sleep i needed today. and submitted the application for coe exemption. that's good. 

sot's about to start. like so soon. is my heart ready? how do i get ready? soak in the Word of God eh. chrysan.

pretty excited for tomorrow. blading, music, God.
it's valentine's day tomorrow. can't help but wonder...

God, You're so real. and all the more i shouldn't doubt and feel upset over why such things happen. but the pain. )':
i really don't know how strong i can be. i really don't know eh. and im so fricking scared. so fricking damn scared. i question why my tears don't ever run out. i want to be strong too. who wouldn't? i cannot fall again eh. cannot. 

God, comfort me please? No problem is too big for You. what is too big for me is nothing to You.
You said in Your word that no temptation would be beyond what we can bear. so help me God. help me.
i still have people that i need to care for. i cannot be selfish. cannot be self-centered. 

help me God. let everything fall into place nicely. give me the strength and courage i need to get through this.

its cny! haha but there's so much work to do. so so much. hur hur. and i feel so bad towards zech. he's trying to help me but my schedule is being so annoying. aish. please don't hate me ): yesterday while driving, heard this on the radio. that you should get rid of all negativity before the new year hits haha. yeah, we should all totally do that mannn. 

Worship God no matter how you feel.

I think i just found my new year's resolution.

im horribly broken. and i guess it was written all over my face that i wasn't okay today. study in PCS, you get friends who are observant eh. when yizhen held my hand, i almost burst into tears. but i held back. i spent the entire day holding back. the entire day, i was longing for someone to give me a hug. to lend me a shoulder to cry on. 

spent the entire day begging God to give me reassurance. begging Him for peace and joy. begging Him to take me out. 

i admit that my coping method does not do me any good. yet, it gives me a sense of control and each time im done with it, i feel so much better. 

God, i will wait upon You. and i will overcome. give me the strength i need. i choose to trust in You, giving You everything, laying everything at Your feet. 

Thank You Jesus.

i never thought she would leave so soon. life's so unpredictable eh. visited her once at the nursing home. never knew that would be the last time i held her hands. i remember her telling me. to go visit her during chinese new year but she's gone. she looked very peaceful in the casket. remember talking to her about the food on tv. she liked longans, the hazelnut sweet and pork floss. everyday she ate porridge that she cooked..until she went to the nursing home. i want and will remember her. 

ah ma. till we meet again.
wha ko ai ka ler da wei

so here it is. haha. happy new year everybody! its 2012. im turning 20. no more a teenager. heh and just a moment ago, i was like hey im a teenager.

2 weeks term break was just too packed for comfort. leaders retreat, frontline camp and all the little other things squished in between. and work to be done. woah. mad. and poof. its now 2012. so fast. so scary.

my body officially broke down. its either im really wussy weak or there are just too many things happening that my body cannot take. Even in sleep, my mind is processing stuff. haha what sort of rest is that i question. so, i missed cell dinner. i missed frontline today. and im desperately trying to finish work. in the weeks to come, will i survive? will we survive?

but i choose to believe that God is faithful even when im not. God will carry me through. and i will finish this term well. 5 more weeks. its not that hard. Lord, strength please.

2 days to christmas. i have not prepared any cards or presents. ah. not like i mean to but its just no mood. how do you shop for christmas when all you can think of is sleep and work to be done. HUR. if anyone were to give me stuff, i really don't have any to give in return. i don't mean to be mean!

then i remember how we celebrate christmas cause Jesus was born on this day. and He lived a perfect life. He had a mother and he had a childhood like any of us. Then out of love, unconditional love for us, He went to the cross so that we might all be sanctified through His blood. What greater love is there?

Thank you for this love Lord. and i pray for strength to get through the rest of school.